nwillpaul's Blog

Religious Haiku June 12, 2008

Nathan Paulhus — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 02:37:29 +0000

I’ll wait awhile

and then I’ll wait awhile

you are worth the wait

I deny the flesh

I will resist temptation

I will respect you

How can they compare?

with a woman Blessed By God

Filled with His Glory

I have heard them sing

Sounding Better than angels

giving praise to God

Their hair their glory

holiness and modesty

daughters of the cross

Salutations 4

Nathan Paulhus — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 02:00:42 +0000

As I walk the road of life

I see hardness, pain and strife

The blind begin to lead the blind

Thought permeate the mind

To wander blindly in the woods

The plotters scheming in their hoods

Like the visious Mandalore

Or the poison of the manticore

Memories rise then fade

Into my mind I coutiously wade

At the sight of her I am fiercely cowed

In the eyes I am softly Rowed

I am enthralled by er beuty still

But love Fur her I dare not instill

I must travel this world alone

But I’m strongly chilled to the bone

Like the Lord his will is weaving

And the death god souls is reaping

As the children fade away

Night life ends at break of day

There they are like sin filled Romans

Time has showed the truth of omens

Are you full of needless fear?

Dare you shed another tear

And as I once again bid goodbye

Wonder how the time does fly

Salutations 1

Nathan Paulhus — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 01:52:55 +0000

The pain in my body reflects the sickness in my heart

It would be just another repitition to tell you I am torn apart

The exhaustion in my eyes expresses no relaxation

My body being ather worn there is an intense feeling of taxation

Couplets are not truly my intrest

But to pour out my heart, I’ll try my best

Dear X, 3-7-20XI

Nathan Paulhus — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 06:23:24 +0000

I find myself in an odd predicament. I can’t seem to find a job. I can’t pay my rent. I feel like my life is ending, but it isn’t. I can still breathe. I can still see. I can still feel. That’s the worst part, that I can still feel. I am trapped, cold, lonely, helpless, and in debt. I can still think, and exist. I am trapped within my own mind. I can’t seem to convey the way I feel. I can’t express myself. I can feel what I should be doing, and am not doing it. As if I am pulled back from success. My mind is my own prison.

In conversation my words are garbled and broken. When I hear myself talking, I hear a dolt, a fool. I can’t do anything about it. I can’t seem to control the stupidity that comes out of my mouth. X, I wish I could do something about it. I wish I wasn’t such a fool, and an uncouth degenerate. That’s the thing, one can sit and wish all one likes but nothing happens. I feel bound and oppressed by my own stupidity. Held back by my very essence.

I find myself alone. I am becoming afraid of crowds. Still, I am lonely. I visit my friends and find no comfort in them. I want someone to hold, I want to feel something. I have always wanted a woman to save me. It is something I hold onto. Something deep inside of me commands that I must be saved by a woman. I struggle being around other people. Interactions feel staged and false, as if I live a glass life. The males in my life seem two dimensional.

I constantly worry about the women. Every time I try to be friends with one, I feel a romantic attachment and I pull away. I must often stop myself from sexualizing them. When I do I am sorely disappointing in myself. I have let down myself, and them. Fighting the thoughts of sexual actions towards a woman while talking to them, makes me lose what little respect I already had for myself.

X, I long for an emotional attachment. I long for someone to hold onto. I am lost and lonely. I am unemployed and wandering without direction. I fear the consequences if something does not happen soon. All my love and regards go to you X, and I hope this letter finds you.

Yours in Truth

Dreamer

Damnation Enterprises

Nathan Paulhus — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 22:17:50 +0000

I know the truth as I have always known. I know what lurks beneath this world. I feel the Darkness. You cannot understand what that is like, to feel the Darkness, to know it exists. I see it’s cause. I see it’s effects. You may vaguely feel the changes. I see it. I see the Darkness. I see the people burning while they stand. Can you? Can you understand the Darkness that plagues this generation?

If you could see the degradation you would weep. If you could feel the downfall you would cry out. You cannot know the truth. You cannot see the world in flames as I do. You follow blindly into the pit. You follow blindly into the Darkness. You follow blindly into the fire. You accept your watered downed religion as it is spoon fed to you, with dollops of sugar to make you feel better about yourself. You visit your pseudo god, and go home filling satasfied about yourself.

You say the truth is symbolism. You say that this was a good man. You say claim the divinity of God but none of the power. You claim that he is lord but forget the prophets. You believe in one word but skip the next for fear it may offend. Be offended. Be chastised. You cannot preach love forever. Yes, God is love. Yes, God loves every one of his creations. But the truth is there is a Hell, there is a lake of fire, and Sin is still Sin.

Disjointed

Nathan Paulhus — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 21:45:40 +0000

I find you terribly disjointed

Your acts and words are not connecting

Tell me the truth you find in it

I cannot believe the words that you are speaking

Neither is there time and place

There is nothing commited

There is nothing of substance

Where are the choices

The decisions are folly

There is nothing to grasp

There is nothing to hold onto

You are chipped and shattering

Falling apart

Not connecting

You are disjointed

Rictor – I think therefore I am. A letter

Nathan Paulhus — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 22:45:57 +0000

Dear Mother,

I believe that I am adjusting well to life at the imperial university. The Plasidians are more human than I thought they would be. I can hardly believe that they did not originate on our homeworld; the physical and genetic differences are so so subtle.

I feel that I have learned much in my few weeks here, in particular I am enjoying the study of history. The particular period of humanities salvation by the Plasidians interests me most.

I have made a very good friend; his name is Morrel Dantes. He came from a poor Green family, and was only able to attend via scholarship. Imagine Mother a Green man at the Imperial University! I can hardly believe it myself; but, he is definitely a genius.

I love you very much and will write the next change I get.

Your loving son,

Vadu Vaa

Dear X #2

Nathan Paulhus — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 22:36:34 +0000

Dear X,

If i confess everything to you, I will have no secrets left. The thing about secrets is that they can make or break a man. If I told you all the truths within me, you would find me an obnoxious dullard, and if I were to tell you all the lies within me a villain and a sycophant. No I dare say, every man does need a dose of each; to much of either and he will find himself in a bad state. I hope you will come to understand why I feel this way, if you you cannot accept it.

Yours in Truth

Dreamer

Dear X 10-7-20X

Nathan Paulhus — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 22:28:10 +0000

Dear X,

I have never written to you before. I am unsure as to why I start now. I desire to be in love with you; but I am horribly conflicted, for such is the way these things go. I think of you often. In my mind I wonder hot it would go, the two of us together. I wont to love, to hold, but I fear the doubled edged sword.

I feel as though I have waited so long to love you. You are finally here, I can finally reach out and touch you. Still, I’m still the scared little boy I’ve always been. I’m still runing away from my problems, my obligations. I’m scared of you, scared of religion, scared of my family, scared of everyone else, scared of life. Mostly, though, I’m scared of myself. I’ve been here twenty years and I don’t know who I am. I don’t know hot to control myself, my emtions.

I’m lost but I still want to love.

In truth

Dreamer

A passing fancy

Nathan Paulhus — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 22:13:33 +0000

My gaze fixes upon you as you pass by once again

I think things it does credit not to think

I see you all the time, random passing in the halls

I could tell you how I feel, But I am young and full of pride

So I am content to sit & think, of what love could bring